I wanted to end National Adoption Month with one last post. If you haven't read about Braxton's adoption you can do that HERE. You might also want to check out Shanna's blog too, and read her side of the story plus her beautiful testimony of adoption.
We have been so very blessed to be apart of the miracle of adoption. Without it I would not have the opportunity to experience motherhood. I would not have a family to call my own. These sweet kids are my sunshine! I know I can speak for Zach as well when I say that they truly make us whole. They are EVERYTHING to us. I am so very grateful for adoption, for Bri, for Shanna and their families and to our future birth mom's as well.
Here are the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs it is called Delivery, listen to it RIGHT HERE.
Delivery
(Cherie Call) She was only seventeen and she knew she couldn't keep him
But at that very moment she wished that she could try
He was sleeping in her arms with his hand around her finger
When a woman came and told her it was time to say goodbye
So she wrapped him in a blanket as her tears fell on his head
And she sent him with a letter, and this is what it said;"I delivered you from Heaven, from God's gentle loving care
And I've entrusted you to mortals who have wished and prayed you there
They will be your earthly parents Listen well to what they say
So they can deliver you back to Heaven And I'll meet you there someday"
One day a few weeks later someone gave her a letter And as she read the words she had to wipe the tears away It said, "We don't know how to thank you There are things that words can't say He's the sunshine and the happiness that brightens all our days And we couldn't live without him, and we love him as our own He has filled the empty spaces in our family and our home You delivered him from Heaven, something only you could do And you have trusted us to love him and to teach him what is true You have been our earthly angel And I hope you know we pray That we can deliver him back to Heaven And that we'll meet you there someday And even though you may not get to hold him for a while A piece of you will be with him Every time he smiles And when he looks at his reflection, he'll see traces of the face Of the one who made the sacrifice to send him to this place Last night we read a story of a man who had a son Who was from a different father, but he loved him as his own And as he laid Him in a manger there were angels that were singing And he knew that as a father he would never be alone There are times we feel like Joseph We need help from up above And when you gave your son, you showed that father's kind of love When you delivered him from Heaven From God's gentle loving care
And you entrusted him to mortals who had wished and prayed him there
And when this life's laid out before us I hope we all can say That we delivered this child together When we meet again someday We'll deliver him back to heaven
Ingredients:
3 cups heavy cream
One 15-ounce can pure pumpkin puree
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
Pinch ground cloves
Pinch salt
One 7.5-ounce jar marshmallow cream
3 cups chopped gingersnaps, plus crushed gingersnaps for sprinkling
3 tablespoons dark rum
1.Using an electric mixer, beat the cream until stiff. Reserve 2 cups whipped cream for serving; refrigerate until ready to serve.
2. In a large bowl, stir together the pumpkin, vanilla, cinnamon, ginger, cloves and salt. Fold in half of the marshmallow cream, then half of the whipped cream. Repeat with the remaining marshmallow cream and whipped cream until combined.
3. In a medium bowl, sprinkle the gingersnaps with rum.
4. Spoon one-third of the pumpkin mousse into a clear glass serving bowl, spreading evenly, and sprinkle half of the cookies on top. Repeat with half of the remaining mousse and the remaining cookies, then top with the final layer of mousse. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to serve, at least 1 hour and up to 4 hours. Just before serving, top with the reserved whipped cream and sprinkle with the crushed gingersnaps.
I bought Brooklyn the Barbie in the Nutcracker DVD about a month ago. She became obsessed with it. Zach & I started to notice she has some pretty good cordination. She even gets up on her toes throughout alot of the dance. It is SO cute, of course it's cute, I'm her mom! So please forgive me for bragging. haha. Anyways as part of her birthday we decided to put her in dance lessons. She hasn't officially started but she is excited about them! I snapped a few pictures of her in her new outfit. Mmm. LOVE that girl!!!
We had a fun weekend! Zach's younger brother Blake got married! Congrats Blake & Chelsea! It was a beautiful day and the reception was perfect. I have to add this cute little story about Brooklyn and her cousins. It was near the end of the reception and Carter and Brooklyn were dancing together.
So sweet! Well the song ended and so they quit dancing, well Brock (these 3 are all the same age) started to dance with Brooklyn. Carter, immediately ran crying, no sobbing, to his mom, saying "Brock is going to marry Brooklyn and I wanted to! Then he comes back over to where Brooklyn & Brock are dancing and cuts in! It was SO stinkin' cute. We laughed so hard about it.
Yesterday was my little sister Heather's birthday. We all love Heather. She's the kind of person everyone wants to be around. She's FUN, and freakin' hilarious! Seriously!! She is gorgeous, and kind and generous and smart. And has a little addiction to buying clothes and shoes. ;) She's almost too good to be true, but she's not! Happy Birthday Heathie!
We celebrated by going to Twilight! I didn't get my hopes up to high because I had heard alot of negative reviews and I wasn't a big fan or who they casted as Edward... come on, why didn't they choose Henry Cavill, this is how I pictured Edward...
I would have gone to this movie over and over and over again if they would have! haha. I LOVED it though. It was a bit cheesy and there was a few awkward acting moments,oh and the fact that we shared the theater with 20 teenage girls who were giggling in every single love scene didn't help, but overall I'd go see it again, it left me wanting more! Guess I might have to pull the books back out and read them again! THank YOU Stephanie Meyer!! :)
Is everyone gearing up for the movie? EeeK! I know I'm excited!! (Although I won't be going to the midnight premier... does anyone else hate big crowds?) So I thought I'd share this fun contest with you. My CUTE friend Pam, designed this digital scrap booking kit:
FUN right?! She is giving one away on her blog RIGHT HERE! Or go here for more details on how you can purchase it! SO FUN! I also thought I'd share these fun little candy bar wrappers, I think they would be SO cute as a little gift topper etc! Print them out HERE for free! LOVE that Rachel Ray! PS There are many more wrappers to choose from!
ANNETTE! tagged me! Seven things I can do: Organize Anything Raise Happy Children Read long books in a short period of time Stay Positive Sleep In
Make my bed every single morning Make a Difference
Seven things I can't do: Text... well not very well at all! Eat something I don't like. Have enough time in the day to do everything I want to. Discipline others Children ( I don't like to anyway) Drive without my seat belt on.
Answer my phone... hehe. Drink Milk
Seven things that attracted me to Zach: Sense of Humor
Adventure Attitude His Testimony He's HOT!
Work Ethic Loves Kids
Wisdom... He's got it together!
Seven things I say often: What??? No way! Are you serious? That's insane. Brooklyn... please throw away that wrapper you left on the floor. hurry! hurry! hurry! Braxton... I don't think so buddy.
Seven people I admire: Zach My SISTERS! Mom & Dad Mother Teresa Marjorie Hinckley Zach's Family Birth Mothers
Seven favorite foods/drinks Hot Chocolate Mexican Food A Good Old Salad Pasta H2O Rocky Road Ice cream
Mashed Potatoes & Gravy Seven people I tag: Anyone Who Wants to Do this!
And last of all, I read THIS blog post and it really resonated with me! I LOVE this idea!!
She says: "How many times do we complain when something goes wrong. When service is bad or a product doesn't work right? But what about when things go smoothly? When you are surprised by how nice someone is or how well something went? Often those things make my day but I don't pass it along, know what I mean?"
"So, here's my challenge to you. And to me. Let someone know that you are happy about what they did. It could be the fastest cashier at the market. An employee who goes out of their way to help you find something at the hardware store. A mom at the school who helped your child find a lost jacket. A teacher who continues to inspire your child. A friend who lets you know when they found the retired webkinz you've been searching for." And don't limit it to strangers or acquaintances. How about your spouse? Or child? "
I'm in! This is perfect for everyday and especially perfect with the Holidays coming up! Lets start now and spread the JOY! I recently got the SWEETEST Thank You note in the mail... (Thank YOU Jessie!) It made my day, no, more like it made my week! It was sincere and simple. I am going to pass it on!
For Family Home Evening last week we even got Brooklyn to start thinking about it. We talked about Thanksgiving and what it means to be Thank people, and what we are thankful for. We wrote Thank You cards to people who gave her presents for her Birthday. She colored them and put them in the mailbox. It was simple, yet a start. I don't want to raise ungrateful children. I want them to look around and see the good in this world and be grateful for it!
Sometimes it's hard to see all that we might have right in front of us, but let's all be GRATEFUL. Let's spread the JOY and pave the way into the Holiday Season!
We had a bridal shower for my sister-in-law -to-be {We all love her!} Here is a picture from the shower.
It was alot of fun! My sister -in-law Linda was in charge of putting the games together, and let me tell you, I'm not a huge fan of cheesy games at showers. Linda did an awesome job and I thought I'd share the games she came up with.
game #1. She had all guests write on a blank envelope their mailing address. She attached stamps to the envelopes beforehand (This way Chelsea was good to go on Thank You notes) and she just put them all in a bowl and drew out a couple for doorprizes. Great idea I thought!
game #2 She brought a shower cap, Chelsea (the bride) started out wearing it, and then whoever happens to say the bride-to-be's name must wear the shower cap until they hear someone else say her name. Silly yes, but we had lots of good laughs about it. :)
game #3 As the bride-to-be opened our gift we got to ask her a ? about her or her fiance, their dating stories, first kiss, etc. It was alot of fun. We got some pretty creative questions answered! hehe.
I made these Cookies & Cream Truffles... they were SO easy and super yummy.
2 sleeves Oreos
8 oz. softened cream cheese
Handful of white chocolate chips
Handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips
Crush the Oreos in a food processor (should be like crumbs). Pour into a mixing bowl/mixer. Add in the cream cheese and mix until well blended. Refrigerate approx 15 minutes. Roll into balls. In a separate bowl, melt all the chocolate chips together and drizzle over balls. Hint: Melt the chips in the microwave, along with a teaspoon of Crisco. Once melted, place them in baggie & cut the corner of the bag (a very small hole) and drizzle over the balls. Store truffles in the fridge.
Yield: About 30 truffles
So that brings me to this:
I'm so excited about doing this again! Shelly has a darling blog and she is so creative! She is starting her Recipe Extravaganza up again. You can participate too! All you need to do is leave a comment on her blog, & post a Holiday recipe on your blog at least once a week, now through New Years! If you want to join in or are even thinking about it go RIGHT HERE for more details!
Oh and one more little side note... if you are local we are putting on a Fireside for FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) from 7-9 at the church next to the Temple this Friday night. It is going to be awesome. The LDS Family Services Director will be speaking about adoption and also a birth mother, an adoptee, and a couple who has adopted. It's always fun to hear the journey they each have taken through adoption. If you would like more info, e-mail me!
I got to attend Time Out for Women right before we went to visit Bri and her family. There were some EXCELLENT speakers and Michael McLean was also there presenting the speakers and singing a bunch of his songs.
Let me back up about a year ago when Zach & I were first starting the adoption process, I was driving to work. I stated to pray about our decision to adopt and if it was really the path that we were to take. Right after I closed my prayer, a song came on the radio, it was Michael McLean's song, which I'm sure most of you are familiar with, if you are not, I'll post a YouTubevideo of it below.It's beautiful! It's called "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours". It touched me deeply and I knew that it was an answer to my prayers, because really how often do you hear that song on the radio? Not much. It was a tender mercy and a beautiful answer to my prayer. Since then I have had a very special place in my heart for that song.
Okay it was just a few days before the conference that Bri had told us that we were for sure the couple that she wanted to raise her daughter. So at the beginning of this conference I was attending, on a whim I said a little prayer and asked Heavenly Father if Bri was truly an answer to our many years of praying. I started to feel extremely vulnerable again, and wondered if I could really handle another heart break. So I told Him that if at all possible I would like a little miracle. I needed a definite answer. I asked him to have Michael McLean sing that song sometime during the conference. Which I really didn't think was even a possibility, since the conference was not centered around adoption. Well the first day flew right on by. It was a great day. I went home and told Zach what I had done and how silly I was being. We laughed and forgot about it. The next day I went to part two of the conference and at the VERY VERY end, Michael's says you know... "I just feel like somebody out there needs to hear this song." And then he sang it. I will NEVER forget that moment. I couldn't believe the Lord would be so considerate of little me. I knew right then and there that He loves each one of us. And I knew my prayer had been heard. What a perfect little miracle to call my own.
Three years ago to the day, on a Sunday morning we got the call... we had been at church and as soon as we got home I saw that I had missed a call. I listened to my voice mail. It was Annette... she said I might want to call her! I knew immediately that it was Brooklyn on her way. I told Zach excitedly jumping up and down that I thought Bri was in labor... he didn't believe me. Well it was actually even better than that. I couldn't dial the numbers fast enough, we got a hold of Annette and she told us that Brooklyn was already here! Bri had her at 7:07 that morning. It was a complete surprise she was here 3 weeks early! Bri decided that she wanted to take Brooklyn home with her for a couple of days. I have to admit I worried that it would be too hard for her to sign the adoption papers after she had spent so much time with her. However I felt peace with her decision. I realized that she needed this time alone with her. I could never imagine denying her of this privilege. I didn't want to see a picture of Brooklyn, I wanted to see her in person for the first time. So we took the 8 hour drive. We met at Bri's house again. Her caseworker was already there with her. We knocked on the door and as it opened Bri's dad met us outside. All I could here were sobs from Bri. I was devastated. As much as I wanted to hold Brooklyn in my arms, I honestly didn't know if I could leave with Brooklyn and cause Bri so much pain and heart break. Monty asked us if we would come back in a half hour or so. We agreed. We grabbed some lunch and then headed back over. I wasn't sure what to expect. I never should have underestimated Bri's strength. She was able to sign the papers. As we waited in the living room, Bri came in holding Brooklyn. It was the first time we had ever seen her. Bri placed her in my arms and I cried. The spirit was stronger than I had ever in my life felt at one moment. I cried tears of joy and also tears of heartbreak for Bri & her family. It was such a bitter sweet yet beautiful moment. As I looked down at this perfect little girl my heart filled with love, a love only a mother knows. I wondered if she would ever know just how much love went into this one single moment that was all about her. As we said our final goodbyes I held Brooklyn between us and gave Brianna a hug. I couldn't let go of her. I asked her one last time if this is what she really wanted. Tearfully She said "Yes, just don't forget about me." I promised her we wouldn't. And I promise now today, that not a single day goes by that I don't send up a prayer for Bri & Shanna, or look at my beautiful children and see pieces of them. As we drove away, I told Zach how I ached for them. I didn't know how their hearts would ever heal. I will never forget what Zach said next. He said..."Holly, Heavenly Father will spend the night with them. He will be there when times are hard, just like He has been there for us." Those words were so comforting to me. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sweet Brooklyn. We love you more than words can express. You bring us such joy. You are silly and cute. You are a ray of sunshine. You are perfect. I love the way you dance and giggle around the house. I hope you never forget just how many people love and cherish you.
Almost 8 months after Zach & I were married, we decided we were ready to start our family. Little did we know that we were headed into many years of heartache and sadness. I made many trips to the doctor, I gained weight (my doctor said that might help), I took fertility medication (which made me even more emotional) poor Zach! and tried everything they told us to do, but after 3 years of crying my eyes out each time we attended a baby blessing, took a pregnancy test, someone announced that they were pregnant, or another Mother's Day rolled around, we decided we might want to consider other options. (By the way it wasn't at all that I wasn't happy for those around us that were pregnant or celebrating, I was just aching to feel that same joy.)
I think that most people in general are fairly sensitive to those who can not have children, but there are the few that are misinformed or those that just don't think before they speak, they don't realize what it is like to have your dreams crushed. But it's better now, my pain is not raw. I've learned that I don't have to take offense. I think that when you come to grips that you are labeled as "infertile" that you go through a type of grieving process, I felt broken, & betrayed. I felt like I was sort of a freak, everyone around me could make a baby, but I could not, I did not have the divine gift of creating a life. Some of the secret thoughts that went through my head at this time... Did God love me less or did He not trust me enough to carry a child. Maybe I would be a terrible mother, maybe it was better this way. Why would he make me broken? Why did it have to hurt so much? Was I being punished for previous sins? Was it because I had struggled with an eating disorder and I myself had ruined my body?
I had so many quiet and shameful questions that raced through my head through this time period.
I also found that those around you either lift you up and share your pain or they want you to keep your pain hidden, they don't want to deal with it, it makes them uncomfortable, so just pretend your life is perfect, because after all you are the lucky one, you aren't the one getting up at 2 am to feed and change a little bum, you and your hubby can still go out on date nights and be spontaneous. Yes, that's right you are the lucky one.
But out of all this pain came some of the greatest blessings of our lives! Our testimonies grew. I came to more fully understand the power of the Atonement. I became more compassionate and aware of others struggles around me. I felt the Savior there with me through my trials. I knew the Lord was watching over us and preparing a way for us to have a family!
We started to recognize that we had other options. For us adoption was always in the back of our minds. Zach has 2 BEAUTIFUL sisters who are adopted. We had done foster care growing up and my parents were very open to the idea of adopting also. In fact they had been through a failed adoption. So we started searching for answers to our questions and concerns. The Lord started leading us through our exciting journey!
My purpose in telling you this part of our story is not to depress you or even make you feel sorry for us, it is only to help you understand what BEAUTIFUL miracles the Lord performs, He truly does take away our shattered dreams and He replaces them with ones that are even better than the ones we had planned out for ourselves.
{The next part of our story is not one we often talk about, if at all. However it is an important part of our journey none the less. }
Zach & I seemed to be spending more and more time on our knees these days. We needed answers. We knew that we wanted to put our Adoption papers in and that the time was right. We finished our paperwork about a week before we moved to Texas. Zach took a job for the summer at the King Ranch. He was in heaven. I was not. We had been there for about five months when I started feeling like we needed to move home. ( Zach thought it was just because I was homesick.) However soon the spirit was working on him too, (or maybe it was the fact that I had a huge meltdown and told him I was moving home without him. hehehe.) and we decided to move home and finish up school. I believe it was the day after we moved home, that our case worker called to tell us the news. We had been chosen by a birth mom.
We were elated! I remember picking up the phone and listening to those sweet sweet words. She wanted to meet us. She was having a girl! We were having a girl! We called everyone. We set up a time to meet with her. She wanted a closed adoption. She was local. Her boyfriend wasn't ready to be a dad, and she wasn't really sure she was ready to be a single mom. She didn't have much support and had been raised in the foster care system much of her life. I wanted to take her home with us. I wanted to put my arms around her and tell her everything would be fine, that we would take care of her. She was so lovable. She brought us ultrasound pictures. We discussed names. We told her a few names we liked. She told us how she loved the named Abigail. It was a beautiful name. It didn't feel right or seem to fit for us. Abigail was to be born in May. We were so excited, some nights I couldn't even sleep in anticipation of what was to come.
I was still working at the time. In our town there is a website that announces the babies that are born at the local hospital. I often (okay pretty much everyday), liked to go to the website, look at the beautiful babies and see what names were popular etc. (I know, I know. Silly. I was SO baby hungry though.) Our due date was approaching, we only had a few more weeks. One day I got on, and saw a beautiful little girl had been posted. Her name was Abigail. I scrolled down to see the parents name... my heart sunk. Could it be?She wasn't supposed to be here yet. I didn't even have to ask, I knew. I called Zach sobbing. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I called our caseworker. He said he knew nothing. He'd get back to me. After what seemed like an eternity plus ten thousand years, I got the call. Holly... yes it is Abigail. She is still trying to decide what is best. She had some major complications and this could possibly be the only child she will ever be able to carry. Please come in tomorrow and she will have an answer for you. We went to the Temple that night. We prayed. I wanted SO badly to be holding her. On our way home Zach said, well what do you think? I lied. I said "I don't know I didn't really get an answer, I still think she will be ours." Zach looked me in the eyes and said. "Holly, she's not ours." He was right and I knew it. I just didn't want to face the reality of it all. It was like taking that pregnancy test each month, and seeing the negative, only worse because this time you really, I mean REALLY thought it was going to happen. ( I personally have never had a miscarriage, but I remember thinking that this must be what one feels like.)
We went in the next day to meet with our case worker. He was so kind. I held most of my tears in until we got back in the car. On the way home, I did the sobbing cry, you know the really ugly one. The one that you can't get control of. I felt like I had been hit by a car. I wasn't mad. I was just heart broken. That's when I knew that the Atonement was real. I honestly wasn't mad. I couldn't be. Horribly sad yes, but angry no. As we were driving home this song came on. I knew the Lord had heard my prayers and He knew my pain. These were the words we listened to as we drove. " Your heart is weary... but can you hear me? Calling you, reaching through the darkness, I am calling you wherever you are. When your hopes and your dreams and your best laid plans are falling through. I am calling you."
I knew we would be okay. I knew She would be okay. I knew Abigail would be okay. Zach & I went home and went to bed. We held each other. We cried. It was Saturday and tomorrow was Mother's Day, I thought it was going to be MY first Mother's day. I opted to stay home. I cried some more. I cried until there were literally no more tears in me. I needed much comfort and healing. Comfort & healing that no one else could give. Not my family, not Zach, and not even myself. I needed the Lord. I needed the Atonement.
I went to work on Monday. I put on my happy face. I went about my work like my little world was perfect and had not shattered into a million little pieces over the weekend. (Besides a few trips to the bathroom to dry a few stray tears.) I worked at a doctor's office. I volunteered to stay through the lunch break and then take a late lunch. Half way through lunch She walked in. I greeted her. Heavenly Father held me in His arms. I didn't cry. I gave her a hug. I told her I was so happy for her (and I really was). I actually had a box in the car for her of Abigail's things, that I was planning on taking it to the agency for them to give to her. I got to meet Abigail. I met Abigail's dad. I held it together. (I've often wondered if Heavenly Father sent Angels down to plug my tear ducts.) It was perfect. Really, it was PERFECT. I needed that closure. I needed her to know that I wasn't angry with her for her decision.
The Lord truly works in mysterious ways.
It is July and we get a call from our caseworker. He tells us there is a little boy that is half Caucasian half African American that will be born soon. The birth mother is looking for a family to place with. He asks us to write a letter to her and he will send our profile to her in Michigan. A few days go by, of course we are hopeful, but we don't allow ourselves to get our hopes up to high. A week or two goes by and we hear that she has chosen a friend of the family to raise her child. It is always hard for some reason. It feels so personal, it feels like they did not choose you because they weren't sure if you would be a good mother or not or maybe you weren't cute enough, or they thought you looked like a boring stuffy mom...i mean who knows?
You know a child is out there though and that is what keeps you going, you just don't have any idea what you can do besides wait. Sometimes I feel like I am dressed in a hospital gown (you know the ones that fully expose your back side?), only I'm always dressed in it, I must go to work in it, wear it all around town, everywhere I go I am exposed. Let me explain why I feel this way. When you fill your adoption papers out, you fill out many many questionnaires, that ask dozens of personal questions like... "How would you describe the intimacy in your marriage?" Hmmm.... I know there must be reasons for these questions, but I myself just can't figure out why they need to know that and how exactly I should answer it for that matter. They come to your home and you take them on a tour of it. You wonder if they think it's clean enough, or if it is kid-friendly enough. Hundreds of questions about being "good enough" run through my mind. Don't get me wrong here, we worked with WONDERFUL people throughout our adoption process, they were very kind to us. However when you are faced with people who's job is to come into your home {your personal space} and their decision will either make it possible or not for you to have a future family... it's easy to get a little anxiety over the whole situation. When all this over then you are asked to write a one page letter to your child's future birth mother, and attach a collage of pictures of yourself. How important is it for you to say "the right words" and how are you supposed to decide on say 10 pictures or so that will show her what you are all about. It was nerve wracking to say the least. You can imagine how "exposed" we were feeling. After all the poking and prodding, I wonder why some people can carry a child and no one asks them a single question about their background, or their abilities to raise a successful, self confident child. No one asks them if they will be willing to love and cherish a child, no one comes into their home and asses their readiness to bring a child into the world. Maybe if we did, we wouldn't have a need for the Foster Care system.
It is late August and I am sitting at my desk at work. I check my e-mail right after lunch and notice I have gotten an e-mail from Eve at LDS Family Services regarding a birth mother's question. My heart skips a beat. I open the e-mail quickly. It is a birth mom and her mom writing to ask us a few questions about our life. They had seen our profile on http://www.itsaboutlove.com/ So I reply and immediately call Zach to tell him. Zach is much more cautious than I, because of our previous failed adoption. I can't help but get excited about it, but realize that it's just a few questions that they are asking. A few weeks go by and I can't stop thinking about the e-mail, wishing I knew more and hoping that this girl is finding the right family for her child.
September comes and goes, and we start into the month of October. I am again at my desk at work checking my e-mail. Another e-mail from Eve! It is the same sweet birth mom that we first heard from back in August. We get a few more details about her pregnancy. She is having a girl and is due in December. Bri & her mom tell us a little more about their family and their life. A few days later she sends me a few pictures. They look so familiar to me. Zach continually reminds me not to get my hopes up, he is trying to protect me from heart break again. I decide I don't care. What if this is the one... I ask myself. What if I hold back all my excitement and happy feelings and it works out, then I will have missed my opportunity to celebrate possibly the happiest moments of my life.
Bri & Annette send me more pictures and I seriously get giddy inside every time I see that there is a new e-mail waiting for me. I can't help but get my hopes up. We ask each other many questions and I feel like I am just getting reacquainted with old friends. They ask us if we would be open to meeting. Of course we are. I don't even have to ask Zach, I know the answer is yes! We continue to e-mail each other and we exchange cell phone numbers. I believe it was on a Monday night the last week in October around 8:00 pm and we are just carving our Halloween pumpkins when we get a phone call. It's Bri and her family. This is the first time we talk over the phone. I love the picture that we took that night of us and our pumpkins, my smile is from ear to ear. It is starting to sink in that we could possibly be parents soon. And these feelings are pure bliss.
We arrange a time that we can meet. Bri & her family live about 8 hours from us. We head down the first week in November. As we make the trip, I am feeling somewhat at peace. Surprisingly I don't get nervous until we pull into their driveway. Walking up to the door, I have so many emotions running through me. Excitement, worry, fear. We brained stormed the whole way about what questions we would ask them, in case it happened to get awkward. We had planned on meeting around 4:30 and then we would go to dinner and head back to wear we were staying. Funny thing though, as soon as we walked in we were greeted with hugs.
We sat down and began chatting like we were old friends. It was amazing. I felt so at home. (By the way this is not usually how things like this take place. Generally the adoption agency recommends that you meet at a local agency with your case workers, however in this situation it worked for us.) We headed to dinner and then ended up coming back over to their home. We talked about names. Zach & I had made a list of names that we wanted to name our children, the first year we were married, and one of the only names we could agree on for a girl was Brooklyn. I have always loved the name Brooklyn for as long as I can remember. Funny thing is that Brianna and her sister Brittney are both B-R names and Annette told us that they themselves had planned on having more children and were going to name them all with B-R's. Coincidence... maybe, or maybe not.
We also discuss a little about what would happen when Brooklyn was born. Bri tells us she hasn't decided exactly what she wants at this point. We figure we have at least a month or so to figure out all of the details...
I start shopping, for little girl things... I order a crib set. I am just so excited I really think that it's going to work out this time. I know this could end really badly if I need to take everything all back, especially the crib set, I have never been this bold when buying things for our "unborn" child. I am well aware of what may happen. But still I can't stop myself. And it is making me so happy!
I got to attend Time Out for Women right before we went to visit Bri and her family. There were some EXCELLENT speakers and Michael McLean was also there presenting the speakers and singing a bunch of his songs.
Let me back up about a year ago when Zach & I were first starting the adoption process, I was driving to work. I stated to pray about our decision to adopt and if it was really the path that we were to take. Right after I closed my prayer, a song came on the radio, it was Michael McLean's song, which I'm sure most of you are familiar with, if you are not, I'll post a YouTube video of it below.It's beautiful! It's called "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours". It touched me deeply and I knew that it was an answer to my prayers, because really how often do you hear that song on the radio? Not much. It was a tender mercy and a beautiful answer to my prayer. Since then I have had a very special place in my heart for that song.
Okay it was just a few days before the conference that Bri had told us that we were for sure the couple that she wanted to raise her daughter. So at the beginning of this conference I was attending, on a whim I said a little prayer and asked Heavenly Father if Bri was truly an answer to our many years of praying. I started to feel extremely vulnerable again, and wondered if I could really handle another heart break. So I told Him that if at all possible I would like a little miracle. I needed a definite answer. I asked him to have Michael McLean sing that song sometime during the conference. Which I really didn't think was even a possibility, since the conference was not centered around adoption. Well the first day flew right on by. It was a great day. I went home and told Zach what I had done and how silly I was being. We laughed and forgot about it. The next day I went to part two of the conference and at the VERY VERY end, Michael's says you know... "I just feel like somebody out there needs to hear this song." And then he sang it. I will NEVER forget that moment. I couldn't believe the Lord would be so considerate of little me. I knew right then and there that He loves each one of us. And I knew my prayer had been heard. What a perfect little miracle to call my own.
Three years ago to the day, on a Sunday morning we got the call... we had been at church and as soon as we got home I saw that I had missed a call. I listened to my voice mail. It was Annette... she said I might want to call her! I knew immediately that it was Brooklyn on her way. I told Zach excitedly jumping up and down that I thought Bri was in labor... he didn't believe me. Well it was actually even better than that. I couldn't dial the numbers fast enough, we got a hold of Annette and she told us that Brooklyn was already here! Bri had her at 7:07 that morning.
It was a complete surprise she was here 3 weeks early! Bri decided that she wanted to take Brooklyn home with her for a couple of days.I have to admit I worried that it would be too hard for her to sign the adoption papers after she had spent so much time with her. However I felt peace with her decision. I realized that she needed this time alone with her.
I could never imagine denying her of this privilege. I didn't want to see a picture of Brooklyn, I wanted to see her in person for the first time. So we took the 8 hour drive. We met at Bri's house again. Her caseworker was already there with her. We knocked on the door and as it opened Bri's dad met us outside. All I could here were sobs from Bri. I was devastated. As much as I wanted to hold Brooklyn in my arms, I honestly didn't know if I could leave with Brooklyn and cause Bri so much pain and heart break. Monty asked us if we would come back in a half hour or so. We agreed. We grabbed some lunch and then headed back over. I wasn't sure what to expect. I never should have underestimated Bri's strength. She was able to sign the papers. As we waited in the living room, Bri came in holding Brooklyn.
It was the first time we had ever seen her. Bri placed her in my arms and I cried. The spirit was stronger than I had ever in my life felt at one moment. I cried tears of joy and also tears of heartbreak for Bri & her family. It was such a bitter sweet yet beautiful moment. As I looked down at this perfect little girl my heart filled with love, a love only a mother knows. I wondered if she would ever know just how much love went into this one single moment that was all about her. As we said our final goodbyes I held Brooklyn between us and gave Brianna a hug. I couldn't let go of her. I asked her one last time if this is what she really wanted. Tearfully She said "Yes, just don't forget about me." I promised her we wouldn't. And I promise now today, that not a single day goes by that I don't send up a prayer for Bri & Shanna, or look at my beautiful children and see pieces of them. As we drove away, I told Zach how I ached for them. I didn't know how their hearts would ever heal. I will never forget what Zach said next. He said..."Holly, Heavenly Father will spend the night with them. He will be there when times are hard, just like He has been there for us." Those words were and still are so comforting to me.
Brooklyn is such a beautiful little girl. We are beyond blessed to have her in our home. She is lively, bubbly, funny & creative. She has a great desire to choose the right & please others. She is growing up right before our eyes, and I can’t imagine life without her. We talk openly about adoption, how she came into this world and her beautiful birth mom Bri. We try to see Bri & her family at least once a year. Brooklyn enjoys this time she shares with them. We never want to force anything upon either side, so now that Brooklyn is getting older we leave these decisions up to her. We truly believe open adoptions are a beautiful alterative & are greatly beneficial to everyone.
Bri & Annette send me more pictures and I seriously get giddy inside every time I see that there is a new e-mail waiting for me. I can't help but get my hopes up. We ask each other many questions and I feel like I am just getting reacquainted with old friends. They ask us if we would be open to meeting. Of course we are. I don't even have to ask Zach, I know the answer is yes! We continue to e-mail each other and we exchange cell phone numbers. I believe it was on a Monday night the last week in October around 8:00 pm and we are just carving our Halloween pumpkins when we get a phone call. It's Bri and her family. This is the first time we talk over the phone. I love the picture that we took that night of us and our pumpkins, my smile is from ear to ear. It is starting to sink in that we could possibly be parents soon. And these feelings are pure bliss.
We arrange a time that we can meet. Bri & her family live about 8 hours from us. We head down the first week in November. As we make the trip, I am feeling somewhat at peace. Surprisingly I don't get nervous until we pull into their driveway. Walking up to the door, I have so many emotions running through me. Excitement, worry, fear. We brained stormed the whole way about what questions we would ask them, in case it happened to get awkward. We had planned on meeting around 4:30 and then we would go to dinner and head back to wear we were staying. Funny thing though, as soon as we walked in we were greeted with hugs. We sat down and began chatting like we were old friends. It was amazing. I felt so at home. (By the way this is not usually how things like this take place. Generally the adoption agency recommends that you meet at a local agency with your case workers, however in this situation it worked for us.) We headed to dinner and then ended up coming back over to their home. We talked about names. Zach & I had made a list of names that we wanted to name our children, the first year we were married, and one of the only names we could agree on for a girl was Brooklyn. I have always loved the name Brooklyn for as long as I can remember. Funny thing is that Brianna and her sister Brittney are both B-R names and Annette told us that they themselves had planned on having more children and were going to name them all with B-R's. Coincidence... maybe, or maybe not.
We also discuss a little about what would happen when Brooklyn was born. Bri tells us she hasn't decided exactly what she wants at this point. We figure we have at least a month or so to figure out all of the details...
I start shopping, for little girl things... I order a crib set. I am just so excited I really think that it's going to work out this time. I know this could end really badly if I need to take everything all back, especially the crib set, I have never been this bold when buying things for our "unborn" child. I am well aware of what may happen. But still I can't stop myself. And it is making me so happy!
{Thank you all SO much, for the kind and encouraging comments you have shared with me. I love to read each and every one! You know you always worry a little when you share something this personal, you are so vulnerable when you put yourself out there. Really they mean so much to me. I can not take credit for being "amazing" or "inspiring" like your comments read, really, if the Lord did not help me through these trials, my natural man would have sureley kicked in and I would have easily turned into a bitter and cynical person. We are truly powerless and nothing without Him. I just in no way wanted anyone to think I was bragging about how I handled this particular trial in my life. I assure you there was much darkness and bitterness at different points throughout. I guess that is the miracle of it all really. }
It is July and we get a call from our caseworker. He tells us there is a little boy that is half Caucasian half African American that will be born soon. The birth mother is looking for a family to place with. He asks us to write a letter to her and he will send our profile to her in Michigan. A few days go by, of course we are hopeful, but we don't allow ourselves to get our hopes up to high. A week or two goes by and we hear that she has chosen a friend of the family to raise her child. It is always hard for some reason. It feels so personal, it feels like they did not choose you because they weren't sure if you would be a good mother or not or maybe you weren't cute enough, or they thought you looked like a boring stuffy mom...i mean who knows?
You know a child is out there though and that is what keeps you going, you just don't have any idea what you can do besides wait. Sometimes I feel like I am dressed in a hospital gown (you know the ones that fully expose your back side?), only I'm always dressed in it, I must go to work in it, wear it all around town, everywhere I go I am exposed. Let me explain why I feel this way. When you fill your adoption papers out, you fill out many many questionnaires, that ask dozens of personal questions like... "How would you describe the intimacy in your marriage?" Hmmm.... I know there must be reasons for these questions, but I myself just can't figure out why they need to know that and how exactly I should answer it for that matter. They come to your home and you take them on a tour of it. You wonder if they think it's clean enough, or if it is kid-friendly enough. Hundreds of questions about being "good enough" run through my mind. Don't get me wrong here, we worked with WONDERFUL people throughout our adoption process, they were very kind to us. However when you are faced with people who's job is to come into your home {your personal space} and their decision will either make it possible or not for you to have a future family... it's easy to get a little anxiety over the whole situation. When all this over then you are asked to write a one page letter to your child's future birth mother, and attach a collage of pictures of yourself. How important is it for you to say "the right words" and how are you supposed to decide on say 10 pictures or so that will show her what you are all about. It was nerve wracking to say the least. You can imagine how "exposed" we were feeling. After all the poking and prodding, I wonder why some people can carry a child and no one asks them a single question about their background, or their abilities to raise a successful, self confident child. No one asks them if they will be willing to love and cherish a child, no one comes into their home and asses their readiness to bring a child into the world. Maybe if we did, we wouldn't have a need for the Foster Care system.
It is late August and I am sitting at my desk at work. I check my e-mail right after lunch and notice I have gotten an e-mail from Eve at LDS Family Services regarding a birth mother's question. My heart skips a beat. I open the e-mail quickly. It is a birth mom and her mom writing to ask us a few questions about our life. They had seen our profile on http://www.itsaboutlove.com/ So I reply and immediately call Zach to tell him. Zach is much more cautious than I, because of our previous failed adoption. I can't help but get excited about it, but realize that it's just a few questions that they are asking. A few weeks go by and I can't stop thinking about the e-mail, wishing I knew more and hoping that this girl is finding the right family for her child.
September comes and goes, and we start into the month of October. I am again at my desk at work checking my e-mail. Another e-mail from Eve! It is the same sweet birth mom that we first heard from back in August. We get a few more details about her pregnancy. She is having a girl and is due in December. Bri & her mom tell us a little more about their family and their life. A few days later she sends me a few pictures. They look so familiar to me. Zach continually reminds me not to get my hopes up, he is trying to protect me from heart break again. I decide I don't care. What if this is the one... I ask myself. What if I hold back all my excitement and happy feelings and it works out, then I will have missed my opportunity to celebrate possibly the happiest moments of my life.
{The next part of our story is not one we often talk about, if at all. However it is an important part of our journey none the less. }
Zach & I seemed to be spending more and more time on our knees these days. We needed answers. We knew that we wanted to put our Adoption papers in and that the time was right. We finished our paperwork about a week before we moved to Texas. Zach took a job for the summer at the King Ranch. He was in heaven. I was not. We had been there for about five months when I started feeling like we needed to move home. ( Zach thought it was just because I was homesick.) However soon the spirit was working on him too, (or maybe it was the fact that I had a huge meltdown and told him I was moving home without him. hehehe.) and we decided to move home and finish up school. I believe it was the day after we moved home, that our case worker called to tell us the news. We had been chosen by a birth mom.
We were elated! I remember picking up the phone and listening to those sweet sweet words. She wanted to meet us. She was having a girl! We were having a girl! We called everyone. We set up a time to meet with her. She wanted a closed adoption. She was local. Her boyfriend wasn't ready to be a dad, and she wasn't really sure she was ready to be a single mom. She didn't have much support and had been raised in the foster care system much of her life. I wanted to take her home with us. I wanted to put my arms around her and tell her everything would be fine, that we would take care of her. She was so lovable. She brought us ultrasound pictures. We discussed names. We told her a few names we liked. She told us how she loved the named Abigail. It was a beautiful name. It didn't feel right or seem to fit for us. Abigail was to be born in May. We were so excited, some nights I couldn't even sleep in anticipation of what was to come.
I was still working at the time. In our town there is a website that announces the babies that are born at the local hospital. I often (okay pretty much everyday), liked to go to the website, look at the beautiful babies and see what names were popular etc. (I know, I know. Silly. I was SO baby hungry though.) Our due date was approaching, we only had a few more weeks. One day I got on, and saw a beautiful little girl had been posted. Her name was Abigail. I scrolled down to see the parents name... my heart sunk. Could it be?She wasn't supposed to be here yet. I didn't even have to ask, I knew. I called Zach sobbing. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I called our caseworker. He said he knew nothing. He'd get back to me. After what seemed like an eternity plus ten thousand years, I got the call. Holly... yes it is Abigail. She is still trying to decide what is best. She had some major complications and this could possibly be the only child she will ever be able to carry. Please come in tomorrow and she will have an answer for you. We went to the Temple that night. We prayed. I wanted SO badly to be holding her. On our way home Zach said, well what do you think? I lied. I said "I don't know I didn't really get an answer, I still think she will be ours." Zach looked me in the eyes and said. "Holly, she's not ours." He was right and I knew it. I just didn't want to face the reality of it all. It was like taking that pregnancy test each month, and seeing the negative, only worse because this time you really, I mean REALLY thought it was going to happen. ( I personally have never had a miscarriage, but I remember thinking that this must be what one feels like.)
We went in the next day to meet with our case worker. He was so kind. I held most of my tears in until we got back in the car. On the way home, I did the sobbing cry, you know the really ugly one. The one that you can't get control of. I felt like I had been hit by a car. I wasn't mad. I was just heart broken. That's when I knew that the Atonement was real. I honestly wasn't mad. I couldn't be. Horribly sad yes, but angry no. As we were driving home this song came on. I knew the Lord had heard my prayers and He knew my pain. These were the words we listened to as we drove. " Your heart is weary... but can you hear me? Calling you, reaching through the darkness, I am calling you wherever you are. When your hopes and your dreams and your best laid plans are falling through. I am calling you."
I knew we would be okay. I knew She would be okay. I knew Abigail would be okay. Zach & I went home and went to bed. We held each other. We cried. It was Saturday and tomorrow was Mother's Day, I thought it was going to be MY first Mother's day. I opted to stay home. I cried some more. I cried until there were literally no more tears in me. I needed much comfort and healing. Comfort & healing that no one else could give. Not my family, not Zach, and not even myself. I needed the Lord. I needed the Atonement.
I went to work on Monday. I put on my happy face. I went about my work like my little world was perfect and had not shattered into a million little pieces over the weekend. (Besides a few trips to the bathroom to dry a few stray tears.) I worked at a doctor's office. I volunteered to stay through the lunch break and then take a late lunch. Half way through lunch She walked in. I greeted her. Heavenly Father held me in His arms. I didn't cry. I gave her a hug. I told her I was so happy for her (and I really was). I actually had a box in the car for her of Abigail's things, that I was planning on taking it to the agency for them to give to her. I got to meet Abigail. I met Abigail's dad. I held it together. (I've often wondered if Heavenly Father sent Angels down to plug my tear ducts.) It was perfect. Really, it was PERFECT. I needed that closure. I needed her to know that I wasn't angry with her for her decision.
{I have decided to write our story in a series of posts, some of it is difficult for me to write. It seems when you open up your heart, and pour out the feelings that are inside, you sort of relive the emotions that come with them, and it can be exhausting! I have written this post several times this week, wanting it to be perfect and above all not wishing to offend anyone.}
Almost 8 months after Zach & I were married, we decided we were ready to start our family. Little did we know that we were headed into many years of heartache and sadness. I made many trips to the doctor, I gained weight (my doctor said that might help), I took fertility medication (which made me even more emotional) poor Zach! and tried everything they told us to do, but after 3 years of crying my eyes out each time we attended a baby blessing, took a pregnancy test, someone announced that they were pregnant, or another Mother's Day rolled around, we decided we might want to consider other options. (By the way it wasn't at all that I wasn't happy for those around us that were pregnant or celebrating, I was just aching to feel that same joy.)
I think that most people in general are fairly sensitive to those who can not have children, but there are the few that are misinformed or those that just don't think before they speak, they don't realize what it is like to have your dreams crushed. But it's better now, my pain is not raw. I've learned that I don't have to take offense. I think that when you come to grips that you are labeled as "infertile" that you go through a type of grieving process, I felt broken, & betrayed. I felt like I was sort of a freak, everyone around me could make a baby, but I could not, I did not have the divine gift of creating a life. Some of the secret thoughts that went through my head at this time... Did God love me less or did He not trust me enough to carry a child. Maybe I would be a terrible mother, maybe it was better this way. Why would he make me broken? Why did it have to hurt so much? Was I being punished for previous sins? Was it because I had struggled with an eating disorder and I myself had ruined my body?
I had so many quiet and shameful questions that raced through my head through this time period.
I also found that those around you either lift you up and share your pain or they want you to keep your pain hidden, they don't want to deal with it, it makes them uncomfortable, so just pretend your life is perfect, because after all you are the lucky one, you aren't the one getting up at 2 am to feed and change a little bum, you and your hubby can still go out on date nights and be spontaneous. Yes, that's right you are the lucky one.
But out of all this pain came some of the greatest blessings of our lives! Our testimonies grew. I came to more fully understand the power of the Atonement. I became more compassionate and aware of others struggles around me. I felt the Savior there with me through my trials. I knew the Lord was watching over us and preparing a way for us to have a family!
We started to recognize that we had other options. For us adoption was always in the back of our minds. Zach has 2 BEAUTIFUL sisters who are adopted. We had done foster care growing up and my parents were very open to the idea of adopting also. In fact they had been through a failed adoption. So we started searching for answers to our questions and concerns. The Lord started leading us through our exciting journey!
My purpose in telling you this part of our story is not to depress you or even make you feel sorry for us, it is only to help you understand what BEAUTIFUL miracles the Lord performs, He truly does take away our shattered dreams and He replaces them with ones that are even better than the ones we had planned out for ourselves.
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{Blog credits Michelle Underwood, Shiny Happy Life Kit}
