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{The next part of our story is not one we often talk about, if at all. However it is an important part of our journey none the less. }
Zach & I seemed to be spending more and more time on our knees these days. We needed answers. We knew that we wanted to put our Adoption papers in and that the time was right. We finished our paperwork about a week before we moved to Texas. Zach took a job for the summer at the King Ranch. He was in heaven. I was not. We had been there for about five months when I started feeling like we needed to move home. ( Zach thought it was just because I was homesick.) However soon the spirit was working on him too, (or maybe it was the fact that I had a huge meltdown and told him I was moving home without him. hehehe.) and we decided to move home and finish up school. I believe it was the day after we moved home, that our case worker called to tell us the news. We had been chosen by a birth mom.
We were elated! I remember picking up the phone and listening to those sweet sweet words. She wanted to meet us. She was having a girl! We were having a girl! We called everyone. We set up a time to meet with her. She wanted a closed adoption. She was local. Her boyfriend wasn't ready to be a dad, and she wasn't really sure she was ready to be a single mom. She didn't have much support and had been raised in the foster care system much of her life. I wanted to take her home with us. I wanted to put my arms around her and tell her everything would be fine, that we would take care of her. She was so lovable. She brought us ultrasound pictures. We discussed names. We told her a few names we liked. She told us how she loved the named Abigail. It was a beautiful name. It didn't feel right or seem to fit for us. Abigail was to be born in May. We were so excited, some nights I couldn't even sleep in anticipation of what was to come.
I was still working at the time. In our town there is a website that announces the babies that are born at the local hospital. I often (okay pretty much everyday), liked to go to the website, look at the beautiful babies and see what names were popular etc. (I know, I know. Silly. I was SO baby hungry though.) Our due date was approaching, we only had a few more weeks. One day I got on, and saw a beautiful little girl had been posted. Her name was Abigail. I scrolled down to see the parents name... my heart sunk. Could it be?She wasn't supposed to be here yet. I didn't even have to ask, I knew. I called Zach sobbing. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I called our caseworker. He said he knew nothing. He'd get back to me. After what seemed like an eternity plus ten thousand years, I got the call. Holly... yes it is Abigail. She is still trying to decide what is best. She had some major complications and this could possibly be the only child she will ever be able to carry. Please come in tomorrow and she will have an answer for you. We went to the Temple that night. We prayed. I wanted SO badly to be holding her. On our way home Zach said, well what do you think? I lied. I said "I don't know I didn't really get an answer, I still think she will be ours." Zach looked me in the eyes and said. "Holly, she's not ours." He was right and I knew it. I just didn't want to face the reality of it all. It was like taking that pregnancy test each month, and seeing the negative, only worse because this time you really, I mean REALLY thought it was going to happen. ( I personally have never had a miscarriage, but I remember thinking that this must be what one feels like.)
We went in the next day to meet with our case worker. He was so kind. I held most of my tears in until we got back in the car. On the way home, I did the sobbing cry, you know the really ugly one. The one that you can't get control of. I felt like I had been hit by a car. I wasn't mad. I was just heart broken. That's when I knew that the Atonement was real. I honestly wasn't mad. I couldn't be. Horribly sad yes, but angry no. As we were driving home this song came on. I knew the Lord had heard my prayers and He knew my pain. These were the words we listened to as we drove. " Your heart is weary... but can you hear me? Calling you, reaching through the darkness, I am calling you wherever you are. When your hopes and your dreams and your best laid plans are falling through. I am calling you."
I knew we would be okay. I knew She would be okay. I knew Abigail would be okay. Zach & I went home and went to bed. We held each other. We cried. It was Saturday and tomorrow was Mother's Day, I thought it was going to be MY first Mother's day. I opted to stay home. I cried some more. I cried until there were literally no more tears in me. I needed much comfort and healing. Comfort & healing that no one else could give. Not my family, not Zach, and not even myself. I needed the Lord. I needed the Atonement.
I went to work on Monday. I put on my happy face. I went about my work like my little world was perfect and had not shattered into a million little pieces over the weekend. (Besides a few trips to the bathroom to dry a few stray tears.) I worked at a doctor's office. I volunteered to stay through the lunch break and then take a late lunch. Half way through lunch She walked in. I greeted her. Heavenly Father held me in His arms. I didn't cry. I gave her a hug. I told her I was so happy for her (and I really was). I actually had a box in the car for her of Abigail's things, that I was planning on taking it to the agency for them to give to her. I got to meet Abigail. I met Abigail's dad. I held it together. (I've often wondered if Heavenly Father sent Angels down to plug my tear ducts.) It was perfect. Really, it was PERFECT. I needed that closure. I needed her to know that I wasn't angry with her for her decision.
The Lord truly works in mysterious ways.
