{I have decided to write our story in a series of posts, some of it is difficult for me to write. It seems when you open up your heart, and pour out the feelings that are inside, you sort of relive the emotions that come with them, and it can be exhausting! I have written this post several times this week, wanting it to be perfect and above all not wishing to offend anyone.}
Almost 8 months after Zach & I were married, we decided we were ready to start our family. Little did we know that we were headed into many years of heartache and sadness. I made many trips to the doctor, I gained weight (my doctor said that might help), I took fertility medication (which made me even more emotional) poor Zach! and tried everything they told us to do, but after 3 years of crying my eyes out each time we attended a baby blessing, took a pregnancy test, someone announced that they were pregnant, or another Mother's Day rolled around, we decided we might want to consider other options. (By the way it wasn't at all that I wasn't happy for those around us that were pregnant or celebrating, I was just aching to feel that same joy.)
I think that most people in general are fairly sensitive to those who can not have children, but there are the few that are misinformed or those that just don't think before they speak, they don't realize what it is like to have your dreams crushed. But it's better now, my pain is not raw. I've learned that I don't have to take offense. I think that when you come to grips that you are labeled as "infertile" that you go through a type of grieving process, I felt broken, & betrayed. I felt like I was sort of a freak, everyone around me could make a baby, but I could not, I did not have the divine gift of creating a life. Some of the secret thoughts that went through my head at this time... Did God love me less or did He not trust me enough to carry a child. Maybe I would be a terrible mother, maybe it was better this way. Why would he make me broken? Why did it have to hurt so much? Was I being punished for previous sins? Was it because I had struggled with an eating disorder and I myself had ruined my body?
I had so many quiet and shameful questions that raced through my head through this time period.
I also found that those around you either lift you up and share your pain or they want you to keep your pain hidden, they don't want to deal with it, it makes them uncomfortable, so just pretend your life is perfect, because after all you are the lucky one, you aren't the one getting up at 2 am to feed and change a little bum, you and your hubby can still go out on date nights and be spontaneous. Yes, that's right you are the lucky one.
But out of all this pain came some of the greatest blessings of our lives! Our testimonies grew. I came to more fully understand the power of the Atonement. I became more compassionate and aware of others struggles around me. I felt the Savior there with me through my trials. I knew the Lord was watching over us and preparing a way for us to have a family!
We started to recognize that we had other options. For us adoption was always in the back of our minds. Zach has 2 BEAUTIFUL sisters who are adopted. We had done foster care growing up and my parents were very open to the idea of adopting also. In fact they had been through a failed adoption. So we started searching for answers to our questions and concerns. The Lord started leading us through our exciting journey!
My purpose in telling you this part of our story is not to depress you or even make you feel sorry for us, it is only to help you understand what BEAUTIFUL miracles the Lord performs, He truly does take away our shattered dreams and He replaces them with ones that are even better than the ones we had planned out for ourselves.
