Nov 12, 2008

A Light at the End of the Tunnel...

Image courtesy Flickr

{Thank you all SO much, for the kind and encouraging comments you have shared with me. I love to read each and every one! You know you always worry a little when you share something this personal, you are so vulnerable when you put yourself out there. Really they mean so much to me. I can not take credit for being "amazing" or "inspiring" like your comments read, really, if the Lord did not help me through these trials, my natural man would have sureley kicked in and I would have easily turned into a bitter and cynical person. We are truly powerless and nothing without Him. I just in no way wanted anyone to think I was bragging about how I handled this particular trial in my life. I assure you there was much darkness and bitterness at different points throughout. I guess that is the miracle of it all really. }
It is July and we get a call from our caseworker. He tells us there is a little boy that is half Caucasian half African American that will be born soon. The birth mother is looking for a family to place with. He asks us to write a letter to her and he will send our profile to her in Michigan. A few days go by, of course we are hopeful, but we don't allow ourselves to get our hopes up to high. A week or two goes by and we hear that she has chosen a friend of the family to raise her child. It is always hard for some reason. It feels so personal, it feels like they did not choose you because they weren't sure if you would be a good mother or not or maybe you weren't cute enough, or they thought you looked like a boring stuffy mom...i mean who knows?
You know a child is out there though and that is what keeps you going, you just don't have any idea what you can do besides wait. Sometimes I feel like I am dressed in a hospital gown (you know the ones that fully expose your back side?), only I'm always dressed in it, I must go to work in it, wear it all around town, everywhere I go I am exposed. Let me explain why I feel this way. When you fill your adoption papers out, you fill out many many questionnaires, that ask dozens of personal questions like... "How would you describe the intimacy in your marriage?" Hmmm.... I know there must be reasons for these questions, but I myself just can't figure out why they need to know that and how exactly I should answer it for that matter. They come to your home and you take them on a tour of it. You wonder if they think it's clean enough, or if it is kid-friendly enough. Hundreds of questions about being "good enough" run through my mind. Don't get me wrong here, we worked with WONDERFUL people throughout our adoption process, they were very kind to us. However when you are faced with people who's job is to come into your home {your personal space} and their decision will either make it possible or not for you to have a future family... it's easy to get a little anxiety over the whole situation. When all this over then you are asked to write a one page letter to your child's future birth mother, and attach a collage of pictures of yourself. How important is it for you to say "the right words" and how are you supposed to decide on say 10 pictures or so that will show her what you are all about. It was nerve wracking to say the least. You can imagine how "exposed" we were feeling. After all the poking and prodding, I wonder why some people can carry a child and no one asks them a single question about their background, or their abilities to raise a successful, self confident child. No one asks them if they will be willing to love and cherish a child, no one comes into their home and asses their readiness to bring a child into the world. Maybe if we did, we wouldn't have a need for the Foster Care system.
It is late August and I am sitting at my desk at work. I check my e-mail right after lunch and notice I have gotten an e-mail from Eve at LDS Family Services regarding a birth mother's question. My heart skips a beat. I open the e-mail quickly. It is a birth mom and her mom writing to ask us a few questions about our life. They had seen our profile on So I reply and immediately call Zach to tell him. Zach is much more cautious than I, because of our previous failed adoption. I can't help but get excited about it, but realize that it's just a few questions that they are asking. A few weeks go by and I can't stop thinking about the e-mail, wishing I knew more and hoping that this girl is finding the right family for her child.
September comes and goes, and we start into the month of October. I am again at my desk at work checking my e-mail. Another e-mail from Eve! It is the same sweet birth mom that we first heard from back in August. We get a few more details about her pregnancy. She is having a girl and is due in December. Bri & her mom tell us a little more about their family and their life. A few days later she sends me a few pictures. They look so familiar to me. Zach continually reminds me not to get my hopes up, he is trying to protect me from heart break again. I decide I don't care. What if this is the one... I ask myself. What if I hold back all my excitement and happy feelings and it works out, then I will have missed my opportunity to celebrate possibly the happiest moments of my life.